The Late Bloomer

My mom describes me as a late bloomer. Every stage of development happens to me a few years after it was supposed to happen. And I can't help but think that's true. I mean, honestly, my awkward phase lasted for 6 years! Until the age of 17, I looked like a monkey that the cat dragged in. A more appropriate euphemism would perhaps be 'The Ugly Duckling'. Now, I'm not saying I became a beautiful swan; but you could say that I'm a cute little duck. I attribute my lack of flirting skills to late blooming as well. I'm a flower that instead of shying away, jumps around and does a jig, while still in  the bud, creeping the hell out of everyone. I'm approaching 21 at breakneck speed and I wonder, is it possible to bloom too late? I feel like an anomaly in a world filled with people who know where they are going and what they are doing and here I am, questioning every decision I make-ranging from the clothes I choose for the day to what I want to do with my life. Continuing with my metaphor, what if by the time I bloom, I miss my chance because I was too late. I'm never late for anything, but what if I'm late for what counts the most? 

Rescue

How do you rescue someone who doesn't know that they need to be rescued? That's the thing. You dont. Because it's for them to rescue themselves. We're all our own damsels-in-distress and knights in shining armour. And unless we recognise and admit to ourselves that we have a problem, we aren't going to come to a solution, much less salvation and redemption. The world is filled with people who go through life feeling like everything is fine, that they're fine-blind to their flaws. How do we push ourselves to hold up a mirror to ourselves, to recognise that we have veered so far off the path to becoming good people that we don't even realise where we are going. We barricade ourselves with our psychological defenses, forming a fort around ourselves, expelling anything that dares to go against our definition of what's normal. I don't have the answer. I don't have most of the answers. For now, I'm going to focus on rescuing and fixing myself.

Becoming More Like Myself

My first post in the New Year. But don't fret, I'm not going to write something along the lines of that ridiculous "New year, New me" nonsense. I can't believe that anyone can just change with a snap of a finger, or quite literally, in the matter of a few seconds. We are, and always will be, irrevocably ourselves-all the good and all the bad. We can consciously attempt to always do the right thing, but at our core, we cannot change. So, instead of a "New Year, New Me", why don't we choose "New Year, More Me"? We try so hard to emulate the actions of those we aspire to, not understanding the fact that we aspire to them because they are unafraid to be who they are. And even if they are, they consciously make an effort to be true to themselves.
I've idolized my sister all my life, always wanting to be as pretty and smart as she is. I even went to the extent of writing that I wanted to grow up to be her in a slambook (and she never lets me forget It). It bothered me that however much I tried, I couldn't be her. For the longest time, I copied the way she dressed (I still do sometimes), the way she did her hair; I even copied her shyness! I had convinced myself that plain old me couldn't possibly hold any appeal to anyone and the only route to getting people to like me was to behave like her. Like every tragedy ever written, I failed to realise that I wasn't her and I could never be her. In the same way, she could never be me.  If we were all supposed to have the same qualities, we would be mass produced in a factory or in a field. We would have the same personality, the same constitution; and any kinks would be fixed the way we update our phone apps to remove bugs. We may as well be robots. Where's the fun in that? Its our flaws, our kinks that make us who we are. It makes us interesting.
I don't keep resolutions. I've never been able to follow through on any of them. But this year, I've decided that I'm going to be ME. I'm not going to try to fit myself into a box. I'm going to be real and I'm going to be authentic. I'm going to be the best possible version of myself-unadulterated and unfiltered. Along the way, I could possibly discover a side of me that I never even knew existed. I am turning 21 soon-about time, don't you think?

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve has to be the most overrated day of the year. You're actually under pressure to have fun. Where's the fun in that? You dress up, pay to go to some party where the music is so loud that you can't hear your own voice much less anyone else's, dance in your heels till your feet are sore, scream "Happy New Year" at midnight and then what? Its like this huge drumroll seeming like it's leading up to something awesome and then falls flat. What do you do next? It's back to the real world. Back to our ruts, our unglamorous lives. It's almost like the withdrawal symptoms when recovering from an addiction. Why should there be so much pressure to have fun? It's like a system of one-upmanship. Who had the most fun last night? Who danced the night away? Who was at the most happening place? New Year's Eve is basically planned spontaneity-how ridiculous does that sound? But like other traditions, I guess this is one too. Despite how annoying some of them can be, we indulge in them because it's what we do. We cant really do without them. We could ease up on the pressure though. Not all of us are party animals (myself included). Ironically, I have a party to go to tonight. Ah well, farewell 2016! It wasn't particularly nice knowing you and 2017, please be good!

The Thing About Unrequited Love

I read a lot of the classics as a child. One of my favourites was Little Women. I was heartbroken when Jo didn't reciprocate Laurie's affections. Back then, I believed that if you loved someone, they were obligated to love you back. It was almost like a contract. Come to think of it, my thoughts closely mirrored Shahrukh Khan's character in Darr. But, it was the done thing, wasn't it? That the girl eventually fell for the guy or vice versa? It was a foolproof formula, guaranteed to be a hit with its audience. It wasn't until much later that I realised that you don't love someone on the condition that they love you back. You love them because you chose to. They didn't ask you to do anything of the sort. You can't resent them for not feeling the same way. Its easier said than done though. And, as someone who has never experienced romantic reciprocity (I'm told I'm a little frightening when I like someone-and you've all read about my legendary flirting technique), its really hard to deal with the rejection. So, what do you do? How do you deal with it? You could be melodramatic like me and say, "I'm not meant for love" or you could be philosophical and say, "When it's meant to be, it will be". I'm like a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. But one thing no one should ever do is be like Ranbir Kapoor's character in Ae Dil Hai Mushkil-he just can't take no for an answer. Even K-k-k-kiran was less annoying and creepy than he was. He gives a bad name to lovers everywhere. He wants her because he can't have her. He's that one guy trying so desperately to get out of the friendzone, but keeps getting sucked back in. You should know when to cut your losses and leave. Because I believe that we were rejected for the sole reason that we were meant for someone else. And the sooner we understand that, the sooner we find our happy ending. And well, heartbreak is one of the biggest inspirations (after reciprocal love :P). At least something good came out of it, right?
(P.S. I've been asked why I write about love so much. I do think about it more than anyone with any common sense should. I think it's all the love stories I've read. They've filled my head with unrealistic notions. My writings are my way of coming to terms with it)

Why Every Girl Should Have a Girlfriend

Every girl should have a girlfriend. At least one. Because while boys are great fun to be with, they don't quite compare to a girlfriend. It's only with your girlfriends that you can sit looking like a homeless person and still behave like you're Miss Universe. A girlfriend will always tell you how nice you look when you're at a party because she knows the effort that has gone into your outfit and well, everyone likes a compliment, don't they? Also, who better to sit and gossip with? Having a girlfriend is almost as necessary as breathing. With your girlfriends, you can sing off-key, dance like absolute fools, exchange beauty tips and drool on celebrities and the cute boys in your class. Girlfriends are also there during all the issues. The heartbreak, the fights, the loss of a sense of purpose. They understand. They empathize. They also hold a way bigger grudge than you possibly could for the ones who hurt you. What makes a girlfriend special is the fact that she doesn't have to be like you, doesn't even have to have the same interests as you and yet, she manages to understand you on a level that no one else possibly can. Sure, there is the passive aggressive fighting which can implode once in a while, but true girlfriends will always be there for each other in anyway possible-to comfort, to bitch, to gossip, to lift each other's spirits, to be brutally honest even when it hurts, to stick up for each other and also to stop each other from becoming high maintenance divas. Girlfriends are your friends till the very end. And also, us girls have got to stick together!

Notebooks

I have a notebook. A beautiful notebook. Filled with pages made of handmade paper and covered with handlooms from Jaipur. When I see a beautiful notebook, I feel compelled to buy it. I have no idea what I'm ever going to use it for..not for college notes definitely, it's much too gorgeous and precious for that. Beautiful notebooks make me think of poetry. Of Keats, Dickinson, Neruda and Rumi. Beautiful notebooks-leather bound and filled with not just yellowing pages but also a promise of a story. The slightly musty but nevertheless irresistible smell of the pages are like sirens. Calling you to them, asking you, begging you to write in them; to confide your deepest, darkest secrets. Notebooks, to most people, are just inanimate objects- you write in them and throw them away when you don't need them anymore. For me, they're stories waiting to be written. Maybe not heard, but written.

Notebooks give you a chance to be unapologetically yourself, no judgements. You can be mean, sappy, lovesick or euphoric, a notebook is always willing to listen. While novels and storybooks are good friends in their own right, they are always telling you their own story. A notebook lets you tell your own.